During a lunch break, with a cup of coffee in your hand, you agreed with all the work colleagues present that work indeed does suck. It drains the energy and life from you and no one really saw any argument for its existence. And then Rhonda mentioned the only reason she works so hard is to finally get those couple of weeks of vacation at the end of the summer when she can visit a new country and treat her self like a royalty.
Rhonda said the best investment in peace of mind she’s ever made was going for one of the luxury Mexico vacations and she’s not afraid to spend money to make her and her partner feel like part-time millionaires. All of a sudden you realized that your work colleagues have all been these different persons for at least 2 weeks a year when they go to such a retreat and act as if they have split personalities. You then thought about your own holiday, not even 300 miles away from your workplace and realized you are a minority.
Eventually you’ve decided to centralize all the data from your traveling work buddies and make a top 8 of the countries that you have missed because you are not ready to spend big to make yourself feel big. So here it is:
Is there still someone who hasn’t been to Thailand? (well, except for you, that is).
Make sure to document on the various markets available in Thailand from Youtube videos. There are cheap markets, expensive market, floating markets, you can buy shit even at the zoo, lick an ice-cream whilst watching a crocodile crawling, get a henna tattoo to remind you that you’re free minded. There are legends (and I believe not only legends) on the Thai prostitutes sporting a little something between their legs. You can even take one back home to be your wife if you have the proper cash. Go to a yoga class, liberate your soul. Basically you can go to the Big Mango (Bangkok) and if you’re too sensitive, you die of food poisoning.
Find some huts on the beach, shag people exclusively from other English-speaking countries, charm a snake or get bitten by one, bathe in the same water as cows. Be surprised to find that every nation has its own dishes and markets and that you can find ways to spend money, loads of it if you’re up for it. Take some mandatory tourist photos at the Taj Mahal. Try surviving all the bad smells. Go to a yoga class, liberate your soul again, do some fucking yoga. Basically you can go anywhere in India and if you’re too sensitive, die of food poisoning.
Ah, the African paradise! Check out the beautiful rock formations, stalk some turtles just minding their own business, then, naturally, go to the market and spend some money on local food. Eat some fruit you haven’t seen before, try to remember what it’s called so you can tell your friends. Try an octopus kebab from the night market, gather around a fire with the locals banging on some drums. Try not to catch any STD’s. Surely you will find a yoga class too. And of course, if you’re too sensitive, you might die of food poisoning.
Japan is like Asia’s Germany, at least from the fascist inclinations historical point of view. But also from the technological development one.
Travel on a bullet train, try not be amazed by the amount of time these people spend working during a week and proudly call themselves ‘salarymen‘. Visit as many temples as you can even if you’re an atheist. Go to some more food markets, spend money on overpriced food, but act like it’s the food of gods because it’s seafood that you have no idea about. Go to the Mega Pokemon Center, fulfill your Anime fantasies, and if you’re lucky enough, the Hentai ones too. Do some Karaoke. Find a good yoga class then have some more local food and if you’re too sensitive, die of food poisoning.
Find a white sand beach with soft waves and cheat on your girlfriend/boyfriend. Befriend an elephant, go to the rice fields and reenact that Filthy Frank episode. Be an obnoxious surfer from the Western World. Try not spending money for 5 seconds – protip: it’s impossible. You’re a foodie (who isn’t?) so get some local food. Act surprised that there aren’t many people speaking English. However, do find a proper yoga class. And experiment with local cuisine which, of course, in case you’re too sensitive, will make you die of food poisoning.
Wander the streets of the medieval cities you can find here, visit local churches, even if you mock organised religion daily in your Facebook posts. Check out the local markets and have some typical Maltese treats. Take Instagram photos for your frenemies on the beaches, posing in that perfect life you’ve always pretended to have on social media. The blue water helps. Make a fool of yourself trying to read something in the local language. Check out some really old castle that has some history you really don’t care about. Then I am certain that you can find a yoga class somewhere and afterwards have some weird looking local food and if you’re sensitive, die of food poisoning.
Avoid drinking tap water, get only frozen Margaritas. Learn the art of negotiation, get 3 tacos for the price of two. Be wary of stray dogs, as they only understand if you bark at them in Spanish. For God’s sake, don’t mix a lot of Tequila with other types of alcohol or you’re gonna have a very bad time. Find our where Adam Sandler is filming his latest movie and crash the film set. Lose your passport and start a new life in Mexico City. Do some yoga with a sombrero on your head. And if you’re too sensitive I bet you know that Mexican food will make you die from food poisoning.
Get offered half a dozen camels for your missus, or if she’s not that good looking, just a couple. Refuse the trade, however, to appear modern and civilised. Act appalled and mention women’s rights, much to the local’s astonishment at the concept. Check out some mosques, even if deep down they terrify you and you think of terrorism because you watch too much American TV. Go even crazier, go to a seaside town and have some seafood alright, like the rebel you are. Watch the birds fly, then go for a walk on a narrow street eating a plebeian kebab, then ride a camel back home. It’s not very commonplace here, but I am positive that you can find a good yoga class to attend. And if you’re too sensitive I am sure the local food can make you die from poisoning.